The language of church-going

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

PEW SHEET Your receipt for attending the service.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to        lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at a service - often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JONAH: The original ‘Jaws’ story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics and Anglicans can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (it means Lord have mercy)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in many Anglican and Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of the service, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of the service - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the car park.

RELICS: People who have been going to church for so long that they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

USHERS: The only people in the church who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew

Today is International Very Good Looking, Jolly Smart Woman’s Day

And remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”

Have a wonderful day!

To the Girls !!

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies. -Unknown

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73)-

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.

- Janette Barber-

My second favourite household chore is ironing. My first one being, hitting my

head on the top bunk bed until I faint. - Erma Bombeck -

Old age ain’t no place for sissies. -Bette Davis-

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. - Caryn Leschen -

If you can’t be a good example -- then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.-Catherine

I’m not going to vacuum ‘til Sears makes one you can ride on. - Roseanne Barr

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. -Eleanor Roosevelt

When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!!

Annual sluggish brain test

It's that time of year to take our annual sluggish brain test. Exercise of  the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non- loss of intelligence. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?









Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.











2. Say 'silk' five time s. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?










Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.





3. If a red house is made from red bricks an d a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks , what is a green house made from?








Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why the hell are you still reading these??? If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.





4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land'?







Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.





5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmarthen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?








Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It  was YOU!!







Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.




PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions